The Midnight Email FAQ: What Event Organisers Really Want to Ask Me

Dear Chris, I Feel Silly Asking But...

I get a lot of emails. Most arrive between 10pm and 1am, written by someone with a clipboard, a budget spreadsheet and a mild panic about entertainment. I know the questions you're hesitating over, because you send them eventually, apologising first. So let's clear the air. No question is silly. Some answers, however, are blunt.

"Can You Do It for Exposure?"

I can, and occasionally I do — for charities I love, or my nephew's school fete. But exposure is the currency in which landlords and Alitalia famously pay, and my mortgage provider has thus far declined it. If I say my fee is £X, that's not me being flash: it's fuel, insurance, kit maintenance, and the twenty unpaid hours of prep and travel either side of the forty minutes on stage. Ask about a discount if budget's tight — genuinely, I'd rather negotiate than not come. But "exposure" as the whole deal? We both know how that ends.

"Is That Inclusive of VAT?"

Brilliant question, and you should never feel awkward asking it. The answer for me: what I quote is what you pay, full stop. But always ask any performer this, because the difference between £350 and £420 on the day of the invoice is the sort of surprise nobody wants between the speeches and the buffet.

"Will You Mind the Dog Sniffing Your Props?"

Not remotely. I've performed with dogs, toddlers, one memorable goat and a parrot with opinions about my doves. Tell me in advance and I'll plan around it. What I do need to know about is low ceilings, no plug sockets, and whether "the stage" is actually two trestle tables and a tea towel.

"Can You Just Turn Up and Wing It?"

I could, in the way a chef could serve you raw onion for tea. The polished forty minutes you see is the visible tip of a very large iceberg of rehearsal, routing and risk assessment. If I ask for a 6pm arrival for an 8pm show, that's not diva behaviour — that's me making sure the magic happens at your event, not despite it.

"What Actually Do You Need From Us?"

More organisers should ask this. My dream rider is modest: a corner to set up, a power socket within spitting distance, a named person on the day who knows the running order, and a glass of water. That's it. No bowl of only blue Smarties. No dressing room with candles and a demand for imported lager.

"Is It Awkward If We Ask You to Stay Late?"

Not if you ask in advance. Most performers have a day rate and a hourly extension rate and would far rather you said "we might run over, what does that cost?" than gestured vaguely from across the dancefloor at 11:30pm. We're suppliers, not mind readers. Well — not just mind readers.

The One Question You Should Ask and Never Do

Here's the funny thing: nobody ever asks "what happens if it goes wrong?" And that's the mark of a proper professional. Anyone can be brilliant when the room's warm and the PA works. What you're actually paying for is the person who keeps the show alive when the generator dies mid-illusion — because I promise you, on behalf of every performer in Britain, it eventually will.

So: email me at midnight. Ask the awkward one. The good ones won't blink, and the ones who do blink have saved you a very informative £400.